17 - Empty Box

By Kay Heitsch

It was surprising what things Todd's friends wanted to keep as a memory. But it was also surprising what I ended up keeping.

Along with the wallet Todd had with him the day of his accident and a piece of wood from the tree, I kept a Mother's Day statue, his pillowcase, and an empty box.

I'll never forget the day I went to the mailbox and saw this box from Texas Wonder Pet Company. What was in this box?

Since this box was addressed to Todd, I called Todd, who was in his room. Todd immediately ran up the stairs and called two of our neighbors, Brett and Matt.

All I remember hearing is, "It's here! It was only a few minutes before Brett and Matt were in Todd's room.

I ran downstairs to check out what all the excitement was about. Todd's new pet was a chameleon. Todd had an aquarium setup all ready for its new home.

Why did I keep this box? I really don't know. It could be because I can still see and feel the excitement this day brought to 3 teenage boys.

It's terrific to have neighborhood friends, and I'm happy Todd had Brett and Matt.

I'll never forget seeing Brett and Matt standing at the end of the driveway waiting for the bus without Todd. Both were standing silent, looking down, and kicking rocks. I'm sure lost in their thoughts, missing their crazy friend Todd.

16 - Todd's Room

Kay Heitsch

As the days went by, I found myself going to Todd's room. I hadn't changed anything and left it as it was.

Todd had a king-size water bed. I would get Todd's Letterman jacket and hold it while lying on the bed. I could still smell Todd. As I held his coat close to my face, silent tears would roll down my cheeks.

Todd's classmates started to stop by the house. I'm sure it was difficult. We were all hurting. Some came alone and others came in groups. I felt comforted that they were thinking about Todd.

After talking for a short while, I invited them to Todd's room. I told Todd's friends to look around the room, and if there was anything they wanted, they could have it after showing me what they chose. I then left them alone with their thoughts and memories, and I went upstairs.

Some kids stayed quite a while, while others didn't. We all grieve differently.

What surprised me was the things of Todds' they wanted. Some took a picture that Todd had made, while others took shirts or sweatshirts.

But the most surprising was a spike out of Todd's running shoes. I can not tell you what an impact choosing only a spike had on me.

What I learned from this was that material things seemed to occupy a significant amount of attention in life. Now, I could see what really mattered was our memories.

15 - Grocery Store

By Kay Heitsch

As the days went by, the haze and numbness began to fade. This was good and also not so good. The haze and numbness helped keep me from facing reality head-on.

One early morning, my neighbor called. Sandi asked what I was doing. I told her someone was stopping over. Sandi asked if I was dressed, and I told her I was still in my robe. Sandi was surprised, and so was I. Sandi said she would hang up so I could get dressed.

Sandi didn't need to hang up because I didn't get dressed. I was still in my robe when this visitor arrived. I was finding I didn't care. This was so odd for me. Things that seemed so important didn't matter anymore.

Later that morning, I noticed we would need some groceries. I got Brandon and myself dressed and headed to the grocery store for the first time since Todd died.

I began walking up and down the aisles. I had several items in the cart when I reached for Mueslix cereal. It was as if the box were hot. I pulled my hand back. This was Todd's favorite cereal. I realized I no longer needed it.

I started to shake, and I thought I was going to cry. I grabbed Brandon, leaving the cart right in the aisle, and ran out the grocery store door.

14 - Seeing The Car

By Kay Heitsch

This may seem bizarre, but I wanted to see the car Todd died in. I'm not sure if Bill thought it was a good idea, but we found the location of the Honda and drove there.

I was shocked, to put it mildly, when I saw the car. I don't know what I was expecting, but this wasn't it.

The driver's side of the car was crushed. In fact, the driver's seat was pushed behind the passenger seat. I could now understand why this woman at the accident site could not see Todd.

Blood stains were everywhere except the passenger seat and that side of the car. It was untouched. You wouldn't have known it had even been in this horrific accident. Nick had been miraculously saved.

Nick did have a physical injury. When Todd hit the tree, the force pushed Todd's seat behind Nick. As Todd was flying back, his foot hit Nick in the neck area and broke Nick's collarbone.

I was beyond remorseful that my son was dead, but I was so relieved that Nick's life had been saved.

The homeowner at the accident site shared with us that there had been several accidents on this curve, but no one had died.

I'm thankful to report that, because of Todd's death, a sign was put up warning of the curve.

13- The Accident Site

By Kay Heitsch

I'm going to put a warning right at the top of this post. This is not going to be for the faint of heart.

As difficult as I knew it was going to be, I had to go out to the accident site where Todd was killed. I didn't know where County Road 81 was, but Bill did. Bill had been there to identify Todd's body.

We drove in silence. As we rounded a curve, I saw a house with some small pine trees in the front yard. Bill stopped the van. My God, was this the place Todd died? What? I was expecting to see a large tree that he hit, not these pine trees.

I got out of the van and started to walk around. All of a sudden, I noticed blood on the trunk of a small pine tree. I walked over and touched it. I reached into my purse for a piece of paper and started to rub Todd's blood on the paper. Bill stopped me. Somehow, I wanted that blood because it was all I had that was Todd. Oh my God, this was real! Reality was slapping me in the face!

A woman came out of the house. She was wondering why we had stopped. She explained that on the day of the accident, she heard Todd hit the tree, and she ran out of the house. When she saw Nick, she went back inside and got a blanket to put on him. Her following words have burned in my heart. She said, "Because your son's body was crushed behind the tree, I'm sorry I didn't see him, so I didn't bring him a blanket."

You know it didn't matter because Todd was dead! But it still broke my heart! I wanted Todd to have a blanket, too.

I was still numb, but reality was sinking in. I picked up a piece of pine wood and got inside the van. I still have this piece of wood to this day!

12 -Trying To Adjust

By Kay Heitsch

We tried to keep things as normal as possible for Shannon and Brandon.

As a family, we always went to Pizza Hut on Wednesday nights. I will never forget how hard it was to go there without Todd. I kept choking back tears, but I made it. Each week got easier.

There was a skating party at the local roller rink. I sat next to a doctor friend. He asked how I was doing and if I needed anything to help. I told him, "No thanks." I was still numb and trying to adjust to the reality that Todd was not coming back.

The truth is, I knew drugs or alcohol would not help. I understood this from past experiences. I had to find a way to help myself without mindless eating, drugs, or alcohol.

Brandon was almost 3 when Todd died. He did not understand why Todd wasn't home.

Aunt Carmeleta stayed with us for a few days. One night, she heard Brandon get up and asked him where he was going. Brandon said he was going down to sleep with Todd.

It broke Aunt Carmeleta's heart seeing Brandon's little face when she told him Todd wasn't in his room anymore.

Brandon struggled daily with missing Todd. He would pick up the phone in the family room and call out to me, saying, "Momma, Todd wants to talk to you." His baby words broke my heart. I would hold Brandon tight as I hung up the phone.

11- Whose Dish Is This

By Kay Heitsch

There were a lot of flowers, so we asked that they be sent to nursing homes. I took the ceramic shoe that Aunt Carmeleta and Uncle Fred had given. I have placed that shoe on Todd's grave ever since.

The house didn't seem the same anymore. I was still numb, but I was going through the motions. I tried to be strong for Shannon and Brandon. I would take my bath and sob my eyes out. I'd dry off and come out trying to be normal.

I was surprised by people's kindness. I didn't have to cook because people were dropping food off.

I knew most people except one woman. I had no idea who she was when she dropped off her dish. I immediately looked at the bottom of her dish. There was no name. I would have to wait until she returned to find out. Sandy returned for her dish. I found out her son ran cross country with Todd.

Sandy's kindness meant a lot, and I wondered what made her bring a dish when I didn't even know her.

One day, I stood at the kitchen counter, mindlessly eating. Suddenly, I heard that quiet voice say, "Kay, you won't like the consequences of this behavior."

Somehow, I knew that was true.