21 - I Give Up

By Kay Heitsch

As the days went by, it was becoming more challenging to handle Todd's death on my own. I had never been in a life situation I couldn't deal with until now.

My previous attempt to buy groceries had not gone well. I had run out of the grocery store, shaking and in fear of crying. Now, on this day, I was dressed and ready to go back to the same grocery store.

All of a sudden, I started to feel high anxiety. I was sweating, my heart was pounding rapidly, and I began to cry. It seemed I was going down a dark hole.

I knew clinical depression ran in my family, and I did not want to live like that. The thought of taking my own life ran through my thoughts.

I had been reading some books by Norman V Peale. In these books were stories about people who had interesting lives. They didn't seem religious, but they had a personal relationship with God.

The thought of these people flashed in my mind. I now felt I had a choice. I could end my life or turn myself and Todd over to God.

I could hardly believe it, but I found myself kneeling down next to the loveseat in our living room. I told the Lord I give up. And asked Him to make something positive out of Todd's death. I also told the Lord that if He wanted to use me, I was available.

Immediately, I felt this tremendous flood of liquid love starting from the top of my head that went through my entire body.

I stood up, dried my tears, picked Brandon up, and we both went back to the same grocery store. The anxiety was gone. I started to see life differently.

What happened? I was not sure. One thing I was sure of was that after reading about these people in Dr. Peale's books, I knew I was not alone, and God would bring something positive out of Todd's death.

20 - Health Issues

By Kay Heitsch

Grief can be tough on our bodies. While we are suffering emotionally, somehow, grief affects our physical body, too.

It was maybe a week or so after Todd died that I experienced severe pain in my stomach. It would hit, and I would be doubled over on the floor. I had never had anything like this before.

Bill's dad was a doctor, and I mentioned this to him. He said this pain was caused by stress and Todd's death. I was surprised.

This pain continued, so I went to a specialist and found out that there wasn't anything causing this except the stress of dealing with Todd's death. I took over-the-counter stomach pills. Eventually, the pain left.

I mentioned earlier that I experienced tremendous pressure on my chest to the point I could hardly breathe right away when Todd died.

I later learned that this pressure is called Broken Heart Syndrome. When a person experiences some sudden emotional trauma, it actually hurts their heart. This is not life-threatening, or I wouldn't still be here.

Other health issues can arise from stress and grief, which can impact our immune systems.

Why do these crop up, I don't know. I've read stories about people who have experienced health issues. Surprisingly, some were from unresolved issues in their lives. Once they forgave a person, the symptoms slowly left.

I don't think that all health issues are caused by grief, stress, or unresolved issues. We inherit some health problems, too.

For me, my mom and other family members have had clinical depression. I'm aware of this, so I'm cautious about what I think, watch, and read. I do what I can to keep myself mentally okay. With God's help, I am fine.

Last summer, out of nowhere, I had a Rheumatoid Arthritis flare-up. I went to bed feeling fine, but I could hardly get out of bed the next morning. I felt like my body was under attack. Our daughter-in-law is a Rheumatologist. She suggested some over-the-counter supplements. These are very helpful.

I'm on a healing journey writing about grief. I don't know if this RA is genetic or if it's from some unresolved grief issues in my life.

I know I will be healed in heaven. But this grief journey may uncover some unresolved issues.

I already learned I need to forgive myself for not speaking up.

The journey continues...

19 - Shared Grief

By Kay Heitsch

Shared grief has a way of creating close and special bonds. Sometimes it may be easier to share your grief with people who are not your immediate family.

Todd and Domenic had a great friendship. After Todd's death, Domenic and I became close friends.

Our shared grief took us out to the site where Todd died late one night. We sat in our van and both cried, trying to wrap our heads around the fact that Todd was really gone. This experience seemed to be the beginning of our forever friendship.

Domenic would stop over at the house often. We would take Brandon to the park together. This was not only healing for me, but it was good for Brandon, too.

Over the years, I have been blessed that Dom has always kept in touch. We talk on the phone and text. We don't always bring up Todd, but we both feel comfortable talking about him.

Let's face it, not everyone feels comfortable talking about a person who has died. That's okay. We all grieve in our own way.

For me, I love remembering Todd and talking about him. But that's me. I'm blessed to have people like Domenic in my life who feel the same way.

18 - Friends

By Kay Heitsch

It was wonderful having these teenagers stop over. Some came a few times, but others came many times. At the funeral home, I recall several of Todd's classmates mentioning that Todd said I was easy to talk to.

Todd and I had a special relationship. It may have been because we moved frequently due to Bill's job transfers. When Todd was in the 7th grade, he had been in 8 different schools. Todd and I spent a lot of time together, and we talked a lot.

One thing we discussed was how to relate to his classmates in the new school. I remember saying, "You might as well decide you like people right away because if you wait, we may be moving on." I believe this is one reason why many people considered Todd their friend.

Two of Todd's close friends were Susan and Evy. These two girls changed my life forever. These sweet girls rode their bikes over to our house often. We would sit at the kitchen table and talk. We invited Shannon, who was 12, to sit with us, but she wasn't interested. Like I've said, we all grieve differently.

One day, Susan and Evy brought over a cassette tape called Friends by Michael W. Smith. I had never heard of Michael W. Smith. I was shocked that this was Christian music. I listened to this tape several times. I liked it a lot.

Susan and Evy were very caring, loving, and kind. They seemed to relate to me where I was. I wasn't a Christian, but now, by giving me this cassette tape, I could see that they were.

Susan and Evy's loving behavior started to change my way of thinking.