10 - Unkind Words

By Kay Heitsch

I remember returning to Bill's dad's house after being at the cemetery. People were stopping by, and I watched the cousins playing. I was still in a haze.

I'm having trouble writing about the following incident. However, it seems that it needs to be handled.

Most people said kind and comforting words or just gave me a hug, and I am most grateful for them. However, one person's words have stuck with me for years.

A woman came up to me and said, "Kay, Todd's death is not the worst thing that can happen." She clarified her statement by saying, " When my husband dies, that is going to be worse." Huh? I was dumbfounded and said nothing.

Over the years, I've thought about this repeatedly and been angry at myself for not speaking up.

I've replayed her words and what my response should have been.

Things like, " How the hell would you know? You have never had a child. A child can not be replaced! A spouse can be, and you should know that. You're number 2."

I don't know why these words hurt my heart so much. Maybe I've been more angry at myself for not speaking up than her words.

Today, I'm going to forgive myself.

9 - Boarding School Call

 Grief Experiences Todd's Death (Part 9)

Going through each step of this grief process was helping me to begin to accept that Todd had died. However, I was still numb and in a state of disbelief.

When I returned home from the hospital, the day of the accident, the phone began to ring. I didn't know how so many people knew Todd had been killed in this accident. The same was true in Michigan when a call came in.

This is not something I talk about. But here it goes.

We stayed at Bill's dad's and stepmother's house when this call came in. I wasn't there.

When I returned, I received a message that a woman had called. I recognized the name. The last message I received from this person wasn't exactly good.

Here's the story.

I attended a "Religious" boarding high school in Michigan until my Senior year. I was not the type of student who fit in their environment, so I was expelled. I left there and graduated from another boarding school in Illinois.

Pam, my roommate from Michigan, called and asked if I would come and visit for a weekend. I figured she had gotten permission, so my mom drove me to Michigan and dropped me off at the school.

I hadn't been in Pam's room very long when I received a message. The same woman was letting me know that I would not be allowed to eat in the cafeteria and that no one could bring food out. They had changed their minds about my visit, and now I would have to leave.

It turned out okay because I had friends who had graduated and didn't live very far from the school. Vicki was one of them. She came over and picked me up, and we ended up having a great weekend together.

The day I heard this person called, I wondered how she knew I was at Bill's dad's house and why she called. I was not in the mood to hear from her. My child had died. I never returned her call.

Today, I wonder if she wanted to apologize for her unkind behavior years before. Now, I'm going to believe this was the reason for her call.

I accept the apology I never received, and I forgive her.

8 - Wendy

By Kay Heitsch

It was freezing cold, and the cemetery was covered with snow. I remember standing, staring at the casket. I was still in disbelief that what I was seeing was true.

Grief has a way of causing a person to react much differently than they usually would. Bill's dad had never given Bill a hug in his life. However, he walked over and gave Bill a hug. We were all hurting.

Bill's brother and wife were staying at a hotel in town. Their oldest son was around 9 years old, and he was having a hard time dealing with Todd's death. The morning of the funeral, there seemed to be a significant change in his attitude. His mom told me that Josh had told her that "Wendy" had told him that everything would be OK, and he didn't need to worry about Todd.

I was skeptical about this incident. Who was Wendy? And where did Wendy come from? No one seemed to know.

A few weeks later, I was going through Todd's desk drawers when I found a book he had written in the 6th grade. Todd called the book The Christmas Tree Caper. The book was about him and his partner, Wendy. Could this Wendy be Todd's guardian angel? Was this the Wendy who told Josh not to worry that Todd was OK?

Will I ever know if Wendy was Todd's angel? I believe some day I will.

7- Funeral Service

By Kay Heitsch

After my experience with the priest, I left the funeral home that evening feeling exhausted. Todd's funeral was to be the next day.

Once again, the pressure on my chest felt enormous when I got into bed. At times, I could hardly get my breath.

We bought Todd a stuffed dog named Snooks when he was a baby. Todd kept this dog all his life. We all laughed when he put Snooks in the back window to look out when we went on trips.

Aunt Carmeleta had sent me a cassette tape by a Christian singing group a couple of months before Todd's death.

I wouldn't have listened to it normally, but I had. In fact, when Todd was practicing driving, I put the tape in. The music kept me calm.

When the funeral home asked what music I wanted played, I picked two songs from this cassette tape.

As I've said, I was not a Christian, so my two choices surprise me to this day. My choices were, Because He Lives I Can Face Tomorrow and Under His Wings.

We had lived in Indiana before we moved to Ohio. I couldn't believe that one of Todd's friends from Indiana showed up at the funeral. It was wonderful to see him.

I sat lost in my thoughts during the service, still in a haze. I don't know what the minister said. I remember hearing the songs as the cassette tapes were played, not knowing what these words meant.

The service was over, and it was time to go to the cemetery.

I waited until everyone said their final goodbyes when I reached under my chair for a bag I had brought.

In a very private last moment, as tears ran down my face, I took Snooks out of the bag and placed him in the casket next to Todd.

6 - Drunk Priest

By Kay Heitsch

We had Todd's calling hours in Dover for Todd's friends. We felt it was necessary for these teenage friends. But no one knew I desperately needed to see Todd's body, too.

We had Todd's body moved to Michigan and had calling hours and a funeral where Todd's body would be buried.

Since we moved often, we didn't have a home base. Bill's dad and stepmother had lived in Michigan for years. Todd and I walked around the cemetery there, so it seemed the best choice. We decided to buy several plots.

These calling hours were much different than the ones in Dover. Most people were friends of Bill's dad, and I didn't know many.

Now I'm going to share an upsetting experience.

I was wondering what was up when a priest walked up to me as I stood in front of Todd's casket. I noticed immediately that he smelled like booze and was drunk.

Slurring his words, he started to go off because Todd's casket was open instead of being a half casket. He said something insane about this type of casket being only for the Pope.

As I said in a previous post, Todd's face had to be remade with molding clay. Toland-Herzig told us not to touch Todd's face.

This drunk, obnoxious priest suddenly said, "I need to bless him." I said, "Don't touch Todd's face!" He did not listen and left his handprint on my precious Todd's face.

I was so angry!

5 - First Calling Hours

By Kay Heitsch

Something strange started to happen to me at the funeral home. I found myself feeling like a comforter.

These teenagers cared, and many said that Todd was their friend. This made my heart happy. I invited them over to our home. Several expressed that Todd told them I was easy to talk to.

Andrew, a cross-country friend, asked if he could put some cross-country medals in the casket. Andrew explained that he knew he could win more medals, and Todd wouldn't be able to. This act of love touched my broken heart.

I was surprised many people came, as we hadn't lived in Dover that long. I didn't know who all these people were. We were not Christians, and we didn't even belong to a church.

One man stood in the back of the room, sobbing. I didn't know him, but later found out his son had died, and he was trying to show his respect. We became friends when his other son also died, and I was able to be there for him.

People wonder what you should say to a grieving person. Seriously, you don't need to say a word. I felt comfort and love from people who just slightly squeezed my hand. It's the being there that says it all.

These first calling hours were another step in helping me accept this tragedy.

However, I could not get the thought, "Where is Todd?" out of my mind.

4 - Seeing Todd's Body

By Kay Heitsch

The day of the calling hours would be the first time I had seen Todd since he walked out the back door. I was still in a haze and trying to come to grips with what was happening.

We arrived early at the funeral home. It was a bitterly cold day, but much to my surprise, many teenagers lined up outside waiting to go inside.

As I remember, we all walked into the funeral home together. It was a surreal experience. I walked up to the casket and looked at Todd. He did not look like himself. The accident had disfigured his face. The funeral home people had done their best to reshape it, but that was not what got my attention.

I had been to many funerals and had seen many people in their caskets, including both of my parents, but I had never had the feeling and experience I had that day.

I reached into the casket and touched Todd's leg and hand. They were hard and cold. I stood staring at this body dressed in the clothes I had brought over, but somehow I knew Todd was not here. Todd's body was there, but Todd was gone.

Where was Todd?