3 - Disbelief, Rage and Quiet Thoughts

By Kay Heitsch

As my thoughts raged in disbelief and refusal to accept, I also seemed to hear a quiet voice of reason.

I often thought, "Kay, you must believe and accept what has happened." As weird as it may seem, I remember silently arguing and shouting in my mind with this voice of reason. "NO, I will not believe or accept this!"

I gathered Todd's clothes, which I thought he would like to wear, and we took them to the funeral home. I remember walking around looking at caskets. There, that voice of reason was again. "If Todd is not dead, what are you doing here?" This thought would jar me back into reality.

The newspaper needed an obituary. Again, each of these was a stepping stone helping me accept Todd's death.

Believing and accepting Todd's death took some time.

2 - Picking Out Todd's Clothes

By Kay Heitsch

I was living in a haze and in a state of denial. I had a battle going on in my mind. I had never experienced anything like this before with the death of my mom or my dad. I was having a horrible time accepting that Todd had actually died. Grief will do this to you.

This could not be true, I kept telling myself. This kind of awful accident happens to other people, but not me!

My thoughts were racing. I found that I needed silence. Before, I had the radio or TV blasting, but now I wanted them off. The raging thoughts were all I could handle mentally.

The funeral home called and wanted clothes for Todd. I found myself in Todd's closet, looking at his clothes. Oh my gosh, this must be a nightmare! Why was I picking out clothes for Todd to be buried in? Was this really true? Was Todd actually dead? Silently, I was screaming, This is NOT true! I refuse to believe this!

But it was true. My Todd was dead.

1- Later Mom

By Kay Heitsch

Grief is a complicated subject. We have perceived ideas on how we will react when we experience the death of a loved one. When we respond differently, we may think something is wrong with us. 

Our feelings and reactions to each person's death may be different. I believe this is because of our relationships with each person. 

Unfortunately, we may have to deal with other people's expectations on how they think we should be handling the death. 

We are never prepared for our child dying. 

Little did I know that when Todd walked out the back door to go sledding with his friends, it would be the last time I saw him. I remember Todd pointing at me and saying, "Later, Mom." I sure didn't know then how much later that would be. 

About an hour after Todd left, I received a call about a terrible car accident. I found out later at the hospital that Todd had died. I didn't need anyone to tell me Todd had been killed because I could tell by the reactions of the people when I walked into the waiting room and gave my name. 

When the doctor came into the waiting room where I was, he told me that Todd had died. 

Now, if anyone had asked me how I thought I would react to my 16-year-old son dying, I would have said several things. First, I would have screamed; second, I would have fallen to the floor sobbing. Maybe I might have thought I would have fainted. I did not do any of these things. I was utterly silent. 

As I slowly walked out of this room, I vaguely recall seeing people lined up. I could see their sad faces, but I wasn't crying. I felt like I was in a nightmare. Everything was hazy. 

Dad's Death

By Kay Heitsch

As my mom's death was a complete shock, my dad's death was prolonged.

Dad's health began to fail. He had lived an unhealthy lifestyle. He smoked and drank a lot. He ate unhealthily and was overweight. Now this lifestyle had caught up with him.

Dad found himself on oxygen daily. A doctor thought he must have cancer and suggested he go on chemo. Although there was no direct evidence that he had cancer.

I lived many hours away from Dad, so I rarely saw him. But when I did, I could see the horrible effects his poor health and chemo were having on him.

Dad battled his health issues for around 5 years. He could live at home with the help of his wonderful friends. He was able to drive and would drive himself to the hospital.

I became pregnant with Brandon during one of his last years of life. I would drive nine hours to visit and help him, knowing every rest area along the way.

I was home on February 6th when I received the call that my dad was in a coma in the hospital. I was told they would call when he passed on. Every time the phone rang, I wondered if Dad had died. I felt sick to my stomach.

All of a sudden, Brandon let out a whaling cry. The phone rang, and Dad had died.

My feelings were sadness and relief. Later, I felt like an orphan. I didn't have siblings, so now I was alone and had to accept that part of my life was over.

Mom's Death

By Kay Heitsch

We all experience grief in different ways. We experience it in the death of a loved one or even grief over situations that happen in life. All are painful in their own way.

Over my lifetime, I've experienced grief in different ways. Each situation came with its own feelings and sense of loss.

When my mother died, five days after Mother's Day. I was in my early 20s.

My Mom and I had an interesting relationship. When I was a child, we were very close. My Mom was a devout SDA. I learned a lot about legalist religion, which turned me off. But I also learned a lot about helping others, which was wonderful.

Since my Mom was considered an older mother, she talked about who I would live with when she died. So I thought about her dying quite often.

Mom taught me to drive when I was around 8 or 9 in case she or my dad would die at the wheel. I smile when I think about it now. I don't know how I would have moved either one to get behind the wheel and drive if either one had died.

Mom was scheduled to have gallbladder surgery in her 60s. She went to the hospital a few days before to have a complete check-up. She called to let me know that they told her she was as healthy as an 18-year-old girl with her numbers. That was my last conversation with her.

You can imagine my shock when the doctor called and told me that my Mom had died in the recovery room. He was sorry to say to me that the anesthesiologist had put her too far under and she never woke up.

My reaction and the feelings I experienced were much different than what I had expected. When I was a child, I had nightmares of my parents dying. I was filled with fear and sadness. But now, I was sad, but also had a feeling of freedom.

Like I said, my Mom and I had an interesting relationship later on in life. As I grew older, I didn't hold to her legalistic religious beliefs, and Mom had a hard time with that. Now that she was gone, I felt free to be myself.

My Mom thought I would be a missionary, and it irritated me to no end. But what's interesting is that many years after her death, I turned my life over to the LORD, and my personal testimony went to many countries worldwide with PLUS magazine.